Two - The Start of Things/Poem One: Childhood

Time: 9:47 AM, Second Block

Current Sounds: 'Half-Pain' by Bana

Musings "Self-Doubt":

This morning I got scolded again for 'not making any serious effort on my schoolwork.' The reason why I put that whole phrase in bold was because it's not my first time that I received that same scolding. I honestly don't know when my own kin will realize I've tried whatever I've done to try to redeem myself.

This causes whatever interior doubt I have inside this heaved chest I have.

Maybe its because my parents only see my faults and only note down my accomplishments when they're either content about themselves or being watched by others to determine whatever level I'm at towards society.

Whether that's the case, I still think that I'm only seen as a fault. I can only see myself doing faults over and over again, in a repetitive cycle. I cannot believe that I could break it. I have forgotten how.

My own parents tell me 'Break the habit, you're smart enough,' but then the next day they rant about how change will never be possible for such an individual like myself.

They either label me as a delinquent or a suffering addict to my own depression. Sometimes I ignore these callings.

Sometimes I believe its all true.

The thing about me that people have yet to understand about me, is that I am truly scared to say what I really want to say. I have been brought up to say the 'right things' that are more acceptable to what others want me to say. If I choose what i say, its either deciphered as unacceptable or not understandable.

In other words, I may have a shy nature, but I really want to say what I want to say. But I'm afraid of everyone else's opinion. Sure, I've had the familiar slap of constructive criticism every now and then, but I'm a person who cannot really stand up to any challenge thrown at me.

I want to. 

I really want to. 

I just wish that I could just spread my wings like everyone else, free of all the boundaries and free to have my voice.

In this point of my life, I need to find myself. I just hope I can before life catches up to my stupid plans to stay put and be the same wreck I am.

I just want to change. 

~~

Poetry in 30 Days

Day 1: Childhood

Trip to B.C.

Sunshine mountain, what do you comprehend?

I see above the clouds, some future

Waiting for me.

Buchham, Bouchard, forgot the name;

It's still lingering like a

Leaping daddy long legs.

It's more so to take your pride

And turn it into unreported

Love.

You say so much, but I've

known only these sponged painted

walls now.

Sunshine mountain, what do you comprehend?

I see below the clouds, the earth.

Its still hard cold.

-next assignment: an event in your life that happened within the past week.

~kiwi