(Current Sounds: Mom bitching, and Homestar Runner dialogue)
Musings (more so venting):
Here we go. HOMEWORK. Finally, huh?
Here is my Theme statement paragraph for my English project (Count Cain Saga)...but before that.
Honestly, I don't know why my mother keeps using me as her excuse for her pain all these years. I really can't take it that she keeps reminding me of the fuck-up I am.Thank you for stating the obvious, Mother, but your tone never seems to persuade what kind of choices I make. Or what I'm forced to make. She expects so much out of me. Why does she complain about what we need, when we actually DO need to get some parental consent on some of the things we do? It's stupid. She hates giving pity.
Dad also drills into my head that I'm always the one that causes my younger brother and sister the 'pain they go through.' Yet, Dad and Mom tells THEM that they have to give a shit about themselves. What the hell?
I underSTAND that you're tired, oh greedy parents. You expect a lot of things, responsibility, patience, intregrity, the fucking works. You expect a grown up appeal from me.
They think I'm not doing work. Why must they presume? Why do they always think I'M presuming my excuses?
"Its for your own good, because you're screwed up"
How the fuck's that gonna help me?
She uses other people as 'better people'...and uses me as the worst example there is. He just yells at me that I'll never change myself. Never.
She wants a future, but what the hell? Shoot me down more, will ya, and you'll get a nice future!
She really doesn't like the small efforts we make. She expects Big Bangs to come out of our work. Does she expect a perfect daughter. I would think not, but she makes me believe that whenever she drastically points out a girl who's more skilled and educated than myself. She's pretty much fucking telling me that 'Oh, I'm SOOO much better than you. You could never be like that!'
Try as I might, I try to get as much attention as I can. I'm scared of the spotlight, yet yearn silently for a night of our own.
And she still hates what I'm doing. She still thinks I haven't done fuck all--why in general? Why fucking drill me to the ground when I'm trying as much as I can?
There's no point yelling at someone who wants to change. They just lost their patience with me. Who can blame them? I've pretty much lost the trust I've lived my whole life upon to their beliefs and what has been hurting me.
I...honestly don't know what to do with myself now. Just why keep bothering with a fuck-up like me, huh parents?
Why bother trying to fix me when all you've really been doing is hurting the conscious I'm still trying to keep alive?
...
ugh, enough of this. Time for that Theme Statement.
~~
Godchild Theme Statement (of which WILL be edited to the English 12 standard....laaaater.)
Cain Hargreaves received the title of Earl at the young age of twelve. He took this title graciously because moments earlier, he just killed his abusive father by means of poisoning his pipe and then his father took a suicidal plunge into the sea. Young Cain had his reasons in doing such a cruel event, other than the fact that his father Alexis hates him. Cain's a cursed child; he's born out of incestuous rape, conceived by his maniac mother Augusta and Alexis (her younger brother). His eyes are green with gold flecks (showing he's an incest child), and due to the fact that Augusta went insane because of giving birth to Cain, Alexis hates him for that. Cain is whipped on the back every night by Alexis, being reminded that God punished Cain for what he was.
The love that Cain experiences in this series is bar-none DIVERSE. He has his undying bond with Riff, his manservant, who swore to protect him from any harm and will even follow him to Hell just to be by his side and give him happiness. In truth, Riff really was the one whom Cain received any love from. Cain wanted to cling to something that'll make his torturous life worthwhile, and Riff gave him that love that he really deserved.
Cain's love to Merry, his half-sister, is what she describes as 'a cage.' Cain shows over protective behavior when it comes to Merry's safety, but Merry takes it as some form of preliminary judgement that she's not able to go out wherever she wanted. Through some adventures, she slowly learns that Cain's selfish actions are to ensure she is safe and sound from the murders and bloody conflicts he always gets himself in. She in turn, keeps a smile in her face, welcoming her brother with the love of a sister wanting her brother to be happy.
Cain's relationship with Jezabel, his older half-brother, is rocky. Jezabel was a child who grew up expecting his father Alexis' love--only to be crushed down by the same father who tells him 'his love is reserved for his true son--Cain.' Jezabel hates Cain for taking that love he wanted, and proceeds to try killing Cain by all means possible.
Throughout the series, Cain is tested again and again about what love is to him. His father shows him by those punishing sessions with the whip that he'll never grasp the fortunes and paradise of having someone care about his existence. Riff and Merry, on the contrary, protect Cain from whatever tries to harm the Earl by their own special way. For Cain, his definition of a family is scarred and tainted with sorrow for himself and others but slowly heals to a better light when his makeshift family--that he makes on his own--provides him with the security and belonging he always dreamed of.
~~
Poetry in 30 Days
Day 8: Elegies and Memories
-Elegy writing time! Pick a significant event or person who has given enough effect towards you. Don't necessarily approach something too extreme. Take something you can handle
Half-Pain (Losing Sleep)
There is something in this musty bed panel
That makes me set my heart ablaze with
Feelings of lost regret and taken up this
Cross of self-bothersome doubt.
How could I lay my weary body on a cruel
Bed built entirely on soft foam and needles?
When I could travel up the staircase of
Heaven and search elsewhere to regain
The dreams above the sun drenched clouds.
I sit in this chair thinking of only that,
Eyes lidded to shut down running business
Arms swinging, threatening nearby individuals
I've lost my body's remote control. The most
Treasured one of all: my conscious mind,
Who once leaped through fields of triumph,
Now too tired to lift its head and
Laugh at herself for what sins I've
Taken in like unwelcome guests.
For as I look towards the pink
Stardusted lamp for advice, it only tells me seriously
My back's prone to snap into burnable twig matter.
Why can't I summon enough heart
To tell the bosses of the Kingdom
that I'm not only frustrated at my
Insane mind to keep on;
I also want to return to the simple
Sheep-leaping land of lilies,
Promising me I'll be grateful for
The new nest in the beautiful dawn.
-next assignment:
Write a poem using a specific meter. The meter can be of your own choosing or even your own making, as long as you put a pattern into place.
"I now not know whether or not he is mine, or I am his."
~~
-kiwi
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